I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
