Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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