I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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