I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
