i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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