Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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