I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
