He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The best revenge is premature balding
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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