Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
