I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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