I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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