She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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