i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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