If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
