something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
