She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
