I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
