This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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