I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
