And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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