I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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