my mouth tastes like poor choices
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My ATM looks so different sober.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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