Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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