Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
