Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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