Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
