Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
