I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
