my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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