Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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