Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
