My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
