I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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