i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
well you can't waste a boner
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
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