i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
