My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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