If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He shit in the fireplace
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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