i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
