She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
