mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
