The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
