Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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