My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
