this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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