his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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