you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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