Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
