Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
