So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My cat gives me a boner
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
