I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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